Take My Breath Away
by Holiday Latte
Summary: post superbowl episode with the bomb. Derek realizes his mistake and tries to fix his relationship with Meredith.
1. Chapter 1

Meredith and Derek

Chapter 1: Lonely World

Premise: This fic picks up after Derek tells Meredith about their last kiss.

Walking to his car, he wondered if he should just run back to her. He desperately wanted to hug her, to kiss her, to just be near her, and that beautiful lavender scent. As he got into his car, he sighed deeply realizing that he was going back to his wife, whom he didn't love. It wasn't that he didn't try to love her; he did...but no matter what he would never be IN love with her again. Their bonds of trust had been severed, and he could never forgive her. As he drove through the night, he made a resolution. He was going to get Meredith back in his life; he was going to be happy again. He just hoped that she would take him back.

"Baby, where have you been?" Addison asked as Derek walked into their home. "I was worried sick, and that's saying something...seeing as you almost died today."

"I'm sorry Addie, I just needed to think you know?"

"Of course I understand. It's been such a hard day, let's just go to bed."

-The Hospital the next day-

"Meredith, you should have just stayed home. Why are you here?" Cristina asked.

"This may or may not make sense, but I feel safer here that I do at home. Besides...I just need to move on."

"Stop repressing! It's okay to cry, or to feel like crap. Just go home and sleep."

"Cristina, can you honestly tell me that you would just stay home?"

"Fine. But I still think you're being stupid"

Meredith went to find the resident that was filling in, when she bumped into Derek. Looking up, she fell into his soft eyes. Snapping herself out of the moment, she coughed slightly.

"Mer... what are you doing here?"

"I'm FINE!" Meredith shouted loudly, and then huffed off.

The day was long, and extremely boring. It seemed that no case could top yesterday.

_You need to lift it out of his body. You have to keep it level._

"Dr. Grey, what is wrong with this man? Dr. Grey!" The resident snapped at her.

"Umm...he...he..." She stared blankly at the resident.

"He presented with sharp stomach pains, and complains of irritability." George answered stepping in to take the heat off of Meredith.

_Just lift it out of his body. Don't kill us Meredith. Meredith we are depending on you. If you fail, we will all die. The pressure is all on you. _

"Dr. Grey? Do you need to leave? You obviously are not prepared."

"I'm not okay." She whispered softly

"What?"

"I'm not fine!" She yelled in the middle of the hallway in front of everyone, including Dr. Shepard. She ran to the nearest supply room and plopped herself on the floor. Burying her face in her hands, she let out the sobs that had been building. As he body shook uncontrollably, she felt a strong hand on her back. She raised her head, and looked into his eyes. No words were spoken. He knew that she needed to be held. He enveloped her in his strong arms, and cradled her in his chest. He used his free hand to brush away the hair from her eyes. "I almost died. I almost died, and wouldn't have known."

"Wouldn't have known what?"

"You wouldn't have known ho...how...much I still love you. I keep trying to move on, but I see you and I'm pulled back. I'm addicted to you, and there isn't anything that I can do, because you were married."

"I almost lost Bailey's husband."

"What?" She failed to see the relevance.

"Cristina came into the O.R. and told me that it wasn't Hannah that had her hand in the body. She told me that it was you. It was the single worst moment of my life. I was completely paralyzed from head to toe, and that's when he started to crash. In those few seconds, I relieved every moment we ever had together. I thought that I was never going to be able to tell you; that staying with Addison was the biggest mistake of my life. When I caught Addison cheating on me, I felt so much anger, and pain. When I found out that there was a chance that I could lose you forever, that I would never be able to see your face again, never feel your lips on mine again, I almost died. I wanted to be on that operating table. I didn't know how to tell you before, but you are the reason that I come to work every morning, you are the reason that I'm not completely numb. I love you. It will always be you Meredith."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: My Skin

_I have another feeling. You know how sometimes things happen, and you think it's complete crap, but then something else happens, and it forces you to realize that it's going to be okay...if not better than it was before?_

"Hey Meredith, I need the toothpaste." Izzie said.

"Fime fill rushing my peef." Meredith awkwardly replied. Quickly trying to finish getting ready, she almost tripped over her shoes. She glanced at the clock, and realized that they were going to be late. "We've gotta go! We're gonna be late!"

At the hospital, they all went to the locker room to change. When Meredith opened her locker, she saw a note taped on the inside.

**I need to see you. Tonight at eleven...meet me at our spot.**

**_-Derek_**

She was happy to know that he was thinking of her, but at the same time, she wasn't sure if this was such a great idea. There were just so many things to consider. She tried to push all of these thoughts to the back of her brain, but they kept coming back. .

_It will always be you Meredith. He sat on the ground holding her, gently caressing her shoulder. You know, I wish we could stay like this forever. She rested her head on his lap, and let him continue to stroke her hair. He knew she was crying but he didn't care._

"Grey! Quit your day-dreaming and let's get going!" Today's guest resident was a total hard ass, who didn't give a damn about anything. George grabbed her wrist and pulled her into the group. As they walked down the hall, she saw Derek. He was going over paperwork. She quickly scribbled something on a piece of paper, and slipped it into his pocket as she rushed past him.

**I can't wait.**

**_-M_**

She turned her head to look back, and caught him staring at her. They both smiled at each other. She didn't realize it but she fell in love with him all over again. She spent the rest of the day waiting for it to be time to go. The resident didn't give her any surgeries, because he thought that she was incompetent. Any other day, and she would have kicked him in the crotch. The resident gave her a ton of paper work to do, and she decided to do it underneath the stairwell. She loved the peace and quiet she got there.

Dr. Shepard had just finished a surgery, and was looking for Meredith. After asking a few questions he found out that she was doing paper work. He knew exactly where she would be. Running down the stairs his suspicions were confirmed.

"So you found me," Meredith smiled. Without another word he leaned in, and kissed her passionately. Bringing his hands up to her face, he brought her closer to him. It was then that Addison Shepard looked down the stairs, and saw her husband making out with Meredith. She realized that now the stakes had increased, and she needed to pull out the big guns. She pulled herself away, and continued upstairs, silently contemplating her next move.

"So you'll meet me tonight? At 11:00?" He asked gently.

"I guess...If I have too..." She planted a chaste kiss on his forehead, and told him that she needed to finish the paperwork so she could meet him in time. She watched as he walked away. "Hey McDreamy," she said.

"What?"

"Do you think we'll have a good McLife together?" He stood there trying to figure out how to answer that question.

"Ask me again tonight."

She went back to work, with a huge smile on her face. By the time she finished, it was already 10:00 p.m. She hurried out of the hospital, and made her way to their spot.

"Hey Jameson. I'm heading out okay?"

"Okay Dr. Shepard." Derek packed up his stuff, and turned to leave, but was blocked by Addison.

"Hey baby," she said as she kissed him.

"Oh, hey. How are you?"

"Actually, I need to talk to you...I thought we could go have dinner and talk."

"I would love too, but I have something that I need to do."

"Derek this is really important."

"Can it wait?" he asked impatiently.

"No it really can't. I'm pregnant."

Meredith got on the ferry, with fifteen minutes to spare. She spent the next fifteen minutes looking for Derek. She realized that something must be delaying him, so she quickly got off before the ferry left. She sat on the bench next to the dock and waited for him to come. She waited for half an hour, and then it started to rain. Admitting defeat, she got up to leave. She got halfway to her car, when she noticed Derek standing in front of her, drenched from head to toe.

"We missed the ferry," she said quietly.

"I noticed," he replied numbly.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really, no."

"Do you want to tell me?"

"Not really."

"Okay...are you going to tell me?"

"Yes."

"Hey...whatever it is...I can handle..." Derek cut her off.

"Addison is pregnant."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I really don't know what to say..."

"I love yo..."

"Please don't say that. Please don't tell me that you love me but you can't be with me, because I don't think my heart could handle that. I really don't think I can handle this."

"Mer..."

"Don't...call me that."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to tell me that we are going to be together. I want you to tell me that I'm going to get the freakin' happy McLife! What I don't want you to tell me is that you are having a baby with her!

"Meredith, I'm so sorry."

"That's what you said the last time!" She pushed past him and went to her car. She couldn't believe that this was happening again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Fallen Embers

A/N: I'm pulling little parts from the commercial for next weeks episode and making it fit my story. Meredith has just found out that Addison is "pregnant" and that she has lost Derek all over again.

_A patient once told me that every time something good happens to a person, two bad things happen to another person. So when something good happens to you, it's your fault that those bad things happen to another human being, and karma gets pissed off and makes you it's next victim. If you had asked me before last night, I would have told you that my patient was all doped up on morphine, and was just talking crazy...but then two bad things happened to me. The love of my life told me that he was having a baby with another woman, and I slept with one of my best friends, because I felt like crap. _

Everyone was looking at Meredith as she walked towards the elevator. She knew it was because everyone had found out she had slept with George, and that it she had used him. She didn't think she could feel guiltier until she the elevator doors opened, revealing Derek. She stepped in and stood in silence until the door closed.

"Meredith..."

"Derek, I did something really stupid, and I'm pretty sure that I've lost all of my friends because of it," she said trying to keep back her tears.

"You'll still have me."

"I slept with George last night."

She saw the look of shock and betrayal in his eyes.

"Oh."

"No! You don't get to give me that look! We are not together...you are having a baby! It was a mistake sleeping with George...but you can't give me that look. You of all people...I never gave you that look.

"I know. Everything is such a mess. How did we get here?"

"I have absolutely no idea Dr. Shepard."

"Why did you just call me that? There's no one else in this elevator."

"I think I need to get used to calling you that from now on."

"Please don't do that..." Derek looked at her with deep sincerity, and leaned in to kiss her. The softness of her supple lips made his pulse race. He brought his hand up to her hair, and slid it through. Meredith allowed this sweet kiss to go on for about three seconds, before pulling away.

"We can't do this...you can't keep pulling me along..."

"Tell me what I can do to fix this. I can barely survive without you."

"There is nothing that you can do...you had sex with Addison, and now she's pregnant."

"Oh my God. I'm such an idiot."

"What?"

"I have to go," he replied, as the elevator doors opened. He left her wondering what was going on.

"Just how stupid do you think I am Addison?"

"What do you mean?" She asked puzzled.

"You must have counted on my shock and surprise to overlook the fact that we've never slept together!"

"Of course we've slept together!"

"Not since you came to Seattle we haven't."

"The night that Meredith gave us the dog, we slept together."

"We did not, so if you are pregnant...then you must be cheating on me again."

"Derek..."

"Well? Are you pregnant or not?"

"I'm not pregnant. I just said that so you wouldn't go back to Meredith. I knew that you were going to leave me, so I made it up. I'm so sorry."

"You know that's probably the only thing we have in common...the ability to say I'm so sorry, but not the ability to own up to our mistakes. Well my mistake was staying with you. I may have lost the love of my life all over again, because of you. I won't be home tonight, and the next time I do come home, I don't want you to be there."

"Derek, please...don't say that."

"What you are Addison...doesn't even matter anymore...just go."

"Derek!"

"Good bye Addison," Derek said as he walked away looking for Meredith.

Meredith was about to tell a young wife that her husband died on the operating table, and she contemplated the death of her relationship. She knew that it was hardly anything in comparison, but at the same time she couldn't stop thinking about it. He left her so abruptly. Was Addison lying? Maybe she wasn't pregnant. She laughed at that silly thought, but hoping deep in her soul that it was true. If there was even the tiniest chance that she could have her life back, she wanted it.

"Mrs. Monroe? Do you remember me? I'm Meredith Grey...I assisted on your husband's case."

"Umm, yeah...you're the one who looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders."

"Mrs. Monroe, I have to tell you that..."

"He died...I know."

"But...how? Who told you?"

"I just knew. When you find your soul mate, and something happens to that person, a silent alarm goes off in your heart. It's like half of you is dying, and that hurts a lot."

"I am so sorry."

"Thank you."

He saw here leaving the waiting room. He stopped in his tracks, to ponder the moment. Was he really going to be able to be with Meredith?

"Mer," Derek called out in front of everyone in the hallway.

"I asked you not to call me that Dr. Shepard," she responded bluntly.

"It was all a lie. I knew it had to be...because I never did anything to make it possible. I just was too caught up in the moment to remember that."

"You mean...you never?" She asked as the tears swelled in her eyes. Derek moved closer to her and replied,

"I couldn't. It wasn't you."

"My heart hurts so much. I don't know if it can be repaired."

"Well, I guess it's a good thing that I am an amazing surgeon."

"You can't leave me again. Because every time you leave..."

"Half of me dies too."

"How did you know I was about to say that?"

"Soul mates share a special connection Mer."

Without hesitation she embraced him in the middle of the hallway, and allowed him to kiss her in front of everyone.

"I think we've defeated fate. Or maybe karma..."

"Well, all I care is that you are in my arms again, and I am never going to let you go."

"Well I have rounds to finish, so you kind of have to let me go."

"Oh, right. Okay, yeah...work. That thing we do."

"Meet me tonight at my place...we need to catch up for lost time."

"I'll see you tonight." He placed a chaste kiss on her forehead and rushed away.

Later that night, when Meredith got home, she found a note on the table.

_Meredith,_

_Apparently I was wrong. I think that my impression of you was clouded, and that I allowed myself to be stupid enough to think that you cared. I'm sorry that I put you on this pedestal, because it certainly was not my intention. I think it's best for everyone, including myself, if I leave. I've packed up my stuff, and well I guess I'll be seeing you._

_p.s. I heard that you and McDreamy are back together. I hope that you are finally happy. I'm just sorry that I couldn't help you._

_-George_

"What have I done?"

_A patient of mine once said that karma gets pissed off when something good happens to you. I'm starting to think that he really was all drugged up on morphine, because the bad things that happen to me are completely my doing. Maybe karma doesn't exist...maybe we are set on self-destruct, and we do this to ourselves._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Who will save your soul?

Recap: It looks like Derek and Meredith can finally be together, but at whose expense? Meredith is starting to take a look at her life.

"What have I done?" Meredith said aloud as she read the note from George. She ran upstairs to talk to Izzie, who was in her room reading. "Izzie, George is gone."

"I know that. He left an hour ago," she looked down, and resumed reading her book. It was obvious that she was pissed with Meredith, but Meredith didn't care.

"Did you even try to stop him!" She asked exasperated.

"Don't you use that tone with me! I'm not the one who used him. Of course I tried to stop him, but it was his decision...he is a grown man you know," she fumed. Meredith tried one more time.

"Do you at least know where he went? You have to tell me."

"He picked up an extra shift over at Grace, and then I think he's going to his parent's."

"Mer? Where are you?" Derek called out from the entry way.

"Hold on! I'm coming." She ran downstairs to meet him. He kissed her passionately. The stubble on his face tickled her smooth complexion. The moment drew her in, but she pulled away. "George," she said.

"Okay, that was...what was that?"

"George...he left. He found out about us, and he left."

"Okay, this is fixable. Do you know where he is?"

"Izzie thinks he's at the hospital, but I don't know. Derek, maybe this was a bad idea. I need George. If he won't be my friend because of this, I don't know what to do."

"Don't even think that. I can fix this. Let me go talk to him. I'm sure I can straighten things out."

"Do you really think so? He's one of my best friends...I can't lose him. Especially when it's my fault," she cried into his shoulder. Derek stroked her hair, while he told her that it would be okay.

-AT THE HOSPITAL-

When Derek arrived at the hospital he knew that he had to do this right, or he could lose Meredith again. Thoughts of what he should say to George ruminated in his mind while he searched for him. Filling out paper work, George sat at the desk in the nurses station.

"O'Malley," Derek called out.

"What do you want Dr. Shepard?" George looked up at Derek with obvious pain in his eyes.

"Do you think we could talk?"

"I'm busy."

"We need to talk."

"Still busy."

"George. Please. It's very important."

"Fine." They went into the locker room. Derek looked George up and down, and decided that he should be blunt. It wasn't worth it to pussy foot around the conversation.  
"It's plain and simple. Meredith feels horrible about this."

"I'm sure you can soothe her."

"Actually, she doesn't want to be with me."

"What?"

"She is so distraught about all of this, that she thinks you'll come back, if I'm not in the picture. So here I am, pretty much at your mercy. She's the love of my life man. I can't help it, and I know she can't help it."

"What is it that you want me to do?"

"I need you to be able to go back to things the way they were."

"That's asking a hell of a lot Dr. Shepard."

"I understand that. I don't know what else to do. I need her, and she needs you. You know that she loves you. Deep in your heart, you know that she would never purposefully hurt you."

"I can't just go back to the way things were before."

"Do you love her?"

"I don't know how to answer that anymore."

"Well, I think that you do love her. I think that you want what's best for her, and I think that you will go back to the house, tell her that you've had a change in heart, and that you still want to be her friend."

"I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can be her friend after this."

"What if I made the deal sweeter?"

Back at Meredith's House

George unlocked the front door with his key. He breathed in deeply. He couldn't believe that he was doing this.

"Meredith?" He yelled out loudly. He saw her poke her head out from behind the wall upstairs

"George? What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk." Meredith rushed down the stairs until they were standing face to face.

"What do you want to talk about?" She asked hesitantly, fearing his reply.

"I know that you didn't mean to hurt me and I know that you feel bad about what happened."

"George, I am so sorry!"

"Let me finish...please. I also know that I don't want things to be awkward between us. So I'm willing to pretend that it never happened if you are." He was caught off guard when Meredith threw herself into his arms.

"I'm so sorry George. Thank you so much. I love you so much," she withdrew with tears in her eyes. George brought in his stuff, and Meredith helped him move back into the house. After he had gone to sleep, Meredith got a text message asking her to meet Derek at his place. She quickly hopped into her car, and sped over to his house.

"Hey, I got your text mess..." before she had a chance to get the words out of her mouth, he started kissing her neck, and then slowly moved up to her lips.

"My god, I've missed these lips. And this neck. I've missed this neck," he murmured into her while smothering her with deep kisses.

"How did you convince George to move back in?"

Flashback—

"What if I made the deal sweeter?"

"What do you mean?" George asked Derek cautiously

"Think about it. Living with Meredith benefits you economically and socially."

"So what?"

"Okay, so what if you had the chance to get in on some of my best surgeries?"

"What?"

"Well what do you think?"

"This is wrong in so many ways."

"Okay, well what would it take?"

"I'll take the surgeries."

"Perfect. You won't regret this," he said shaking hands with George.

End Flashback—

"Umm, I just applied to his senses I guess."

"Yay for you McDreamy."

"I love you so much baby."

The Next Week at the Hospital

Cristina presented a case of a man who had a pole shoved through his brain. All the interns stood around this man, staring at him, secretly wanting in on this surgery.

"Thank you very much Dr. Yang, for that very thorough presentation. O'Malley, finish the work up and then scrub in," Derek said firmly. Everyone knew that if anyone should be in on that surgery it should be Cristina.

"I beg your pardon, Dr. Shepard, but I've been on this case from the start."

"Yes and good job. O'Malley? I don't have all day." They all watched as Cristina stormed out of the room. Derek finished going over the surgery with the patient and then went to start the paperwork. Meredith followed him.

"What was that? You know that should have been Cristina's surgery."

"I'm not going to discuss my decisions with you Meredith," he avoided her eyes, but gave it all away.

"Oh my God. You didn't."

"What are you talking about Meredith?"

"Tell me that you didn't give George that surgery because he moved back in."

"I didn't give Dr. O'Malley that surgery BECAUSE he moved back in."

"What aren't you telling me? You know better than to lie to me."

"Meredith, let's not discuss this here."

"Derek!"

"Fine, you know what? I told him that I would give him some opportunities if he moved back in with you. Is that so wrong?"

"Yes! Yes it is! God how could you be so selfish! I don't want George to be my friend because my boyfriend bribed him! You are a Neurosurgeon! How do you not see that?" At that moment Meredith's cell phone went off. Flipping it open, she barked into the receiver, "What!" Derek looked over at her pleading with his eyes. "Oh my God. No," Meredith whispered into the phone. People had now started to look over at them because the heated argument had quieted. "No! God no!" Meredith hung up the phone and ran to the locker room.

"Meredith!" Derek yelled, running after her. He found her kneeling over the toilet. Rushing towards her, he held her hair back while she vomited into the toilet bowl. "Mer, baby...what's wrong?"

Meredith looked up at him, but couldn't for the words. She couldn't believe what was happening.

"It's my mom. She's dead."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Chapter 5. Prayer

_Death is all encompassing. It surrounds us and lingers. When it happens, we don't know what to do with it. We surrender to our primal selves and let the tears flow. We let our body go limp and be held by someone else. Comfort comes from death in a way because death is a wake-up call. It's brutal and horrible, but it wakes you from whatever routine you've grown accustomed too. I'm awake. I'm awake and it frickin' sucks. _

I was never meant to have this life. It wasn't mine to take but I still tried. I don't belong here…with them…with him. Right from the get-go I knew that it was going to be all too complicated. I wanted to make some sort of connection though. I wanted it so much that I let it cloud my judgment of who I am and what I need from life.

"Mer? Someone's here to see you," Izzie called from downstairs.

"Don't wanna see anyone," Meredith mumbled into her pillow.

"Meredith, someone's here!" Izzie called again, not sure if she was heard the first time.

Meredith pushed her face further into the pillow. _I'm not here, I don't exist…_ She heard footsteps on the stairs. She pushed her body deeper into the bed trying to escape her life.

"Mer? It's me," Derek cooed in her ear, gentry brushing a few strokes of hair out of her face.

"Go away," Meredith muttered softly into her pillow.

"Meredith, I'm not leaving you. I am never going to leave you."

"I'm not giving you the choice," Meredith sat up so that she was facing Derek. "I can't handle this…you…not right now. I need to get ready."

"Meredith, let me help you. Stop pushing me away."

"No I need to push you away. I need space and, and, I just need space. We, you and me are just too complicated." Derek stood up to leave.

"Don't keep me at a distance Meredith. I'm here for you and I'm going to be here for you for a very long time," Derek said walking out of the room.

"Wait, I'm…too late," she whispered as she noticed that he had disappeared.

-Flashback-

"She's dead. She's gone, and I never…oh God." Meredith looked as if she was going to vomit all over again. "I can't, I can't…" she started rocking back and forth covering her head with her hands. A stifled sob was released. Derek wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as possible. "Oh God, what do I do? What, how, how am I supposed…I never…but…" she never finished her sentence. Instead she just wept into Derek's chest, not know what her future held. He held her for what seemed like hours.

-End Flashback-

Meredith rummaged through her closet wishing she had done this earlier. How was she supposed to pick out a black dress to wear in her state?

"Izzie?" Meredith called out softly. Like magic, Izzie appeared.

"Yeah Mer?"

"Can you…"

"Yeah of course. No problem." Izzie didn't need Meredith to finish her sentence. In under a minute she has compiled a fitting ensemble. "Mer do you want to take a shower?" Meredith shook her head. Izzie nodded and left the room. Tracing her finger over the dress, she wondered what would happen next. What horrible event would happen that would shake her to her very core? Was another bomb going to explode in another man? Was Addison going to fake another pregnancy? Was George going to realize that in fact he truly hates Meredith and move out again? Was Derek going to admit that he made a mistake and leave her for Addison again? Collapsing on the floor, she couldn't handle the possibility of what might come next. She leaned into the bed crying. She sat there for five minutes before regaining her composure. Carefully standing, she decided to get dressed.

-After the funeral-

"Mer? Do you want to get going?" Derek walked over to where Meredith was sitting on the ground leaning against a tree, looking at her mother's grave. Meredith shook her head, unable to speak. Derek sat down, taking her hand in his. They sat like this for a few minutes before Meredith finally spoke up.

"He didn't come."

"Who didn't come?" Derek asked looking at Meredith questioningly.

"My dad."

"Oh." They resumed their silence and sat in peace for a while longer. "Meredith, I," But he faltered unable to speak himself.

"It's alright. You don't need to say anything." She leaned on his shoulder, letting him wrap his arm tightly around her. She let herself believe that it was okay, just for a moment.


End file.
